Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in Jessica's LiveJournal:

Saturday, February 4th, 2006
1:02 pm	i always tell myself if i wasnt always restricting and eating normally, i wouldnt binge and purge. but today i realized thats not true. i binge because im empty. i spend so much time trying to fill myself I eat food. comfort food. FILL ME FILL ME. i'm screaming quietly in my head. fill me. make this emptiness go away. and then ive eaten so much all i can think about is getting it all out. What i once craved i now reject and then im empty again. empty means control empty means no emotions empty means strength chaos=eating=emotions=binging i starting throwing up because i thought it gave me more control. but it fucked with my head and now i have NO control. GOD DAMNIT. ITS NOT FAIR. WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO? i just wanted to be skinny because everyone else wanted me to be skinny i was too fat for everyone. too fat for my mom, too fat for my dad too fat for the kids at school. i was sick of being looked at. sick of having my body looked at and judged. i just wanted to be invisible. in every sense of the word but im never small enough and im neverrrr full. my disgusting bottomless pit of a stomach will never be full because no amount of food will ever make up for what im lacking which is self esteem confidence happiness social skills god i hate being hungry. i dont even know what it means anymore Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Friday, February 3rd, 2006
5:15 pm	im down to 54 kilos but i dont feel any better about myself than when i was 64... ironic much? i thought i would feel a lot more content in my own skin at this weight. now i keep thinking that at 50kg i will finally be happy - but honestly i dont think i ever will be confident with my body. whateva... i have a bf now. going on three months. He's great and im really falling for him... but i keep having nightmares about him breaking up with me. its only a matter of time i guess. Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
1:54 pm	I SUCK I hate my life. i hate myself. i am so fucked up right now!!! Everything seems to be going wrong these last few months. Last week i coped a mega speeding ticket and coped a $600 fine and am losing my licence. Today, my uni lecturer (arsehole dick) confronted me about an essay i had handed in, telling me i had plagurised too much info (i had changed a lot of the info and even refernced it in my bibliography. But yeah, now im getting expelled from uni. There goes $8000 i have spent unnessarily on 2 semesters. I HATE MY LIFE. I know i am to blame for these things, but i just feel like everything is working against me right now. A lot of other shit has happened to me which i have had no control over... so yeah, now im broke with no drivers licence or uni. i feel like such a bum. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all i have left is my eatind disorder. at least its something i can maintain control over. I feel like cutting.. something i havent done for several months now. Fuck it all :( Current Mood: nauseated (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
6:14 pm	Things have been better lately :) i won the court case thing so i can thankfully put all that behind me and move on with my life. uni's going well, and my eating habits are starting to improve. I have started the CSIRO diet which is really working for me. i dont feel too hungry or anything. and i havent purged in 3 days!! but, in trying to kick this habit, ive started smoking.. i know its terrible and i should give up now while i can! i am such an addictive person. Still no guy in sight though.. recently i developed a little crush on a guy who ive been freinds with.. ok, a huge crush! and of course i got drunk at a party and ended up confessing my feeling to him - but he said he already kinda knew there was something between us. However, he told me he's getting back together with his ex, and it broke my heart :( so naturally, in order to get over him ive been getting trashed a clubs and getting with random guys!! Current Mood: content Current Music: Missy higgins - the sound of white (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
1:27 am	i meant 62kg.. 52 kg?? oh how i wish... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:23 am	Just call me Winona... Now am 52 kg...ew! i have the flew at the moment and my throat is so sore. because of this i am unable to purge and because im so depressed i keep eating shit. I was caught shoplifting a couple of magazines and things a couple of weeks ago and im in deep shit. I have to go to court and face a criminal record which means not having the freedom to travel to certain countries, and also career restrictions. Fees for court representation etc, etc, is going to set me back about $2000.. which i dont have :( Im on uni break for like 5 weeks now. I would normally be happy. But having nothing to do means i just lie around thinking about how fucked up everthing is right now. I also lost my job... and STILL have no boyfriend. Could life get any worse for me right now? I hate myself so much. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Gwen Stafani - L.A.M.B (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 6th, 2005
12:52 am	Sad, fat and weighing in at 60kg.. Just his past two weeks ive gone from 57.5 kg to 60kg. Its so damn depressing! Tomorrow im going to start the ultimate diet and reach my goal of 50. ive decided to start an online journal as an inspiration kinda thing.. i thought that maybe by putting my goals into writing, ill feel more obligated to actually get off my fat arse and stick with it! i hate my body. sometimes i feel so determined and driven to lose the weight but then, always after 2 or 3 days, something will set me off and ill binge like anything. ive been like this for like 5 years now. i used to be really REALLY fat but i discovered the magic of purging. i dont like it, but now at least when i do overeat, i wont put on too much weight. so ever since becoming bulimic about a year ago ive been able to stabilize my weight around 58kg. when i initially starting doing it i lost like 15 kilos, but now my body's adjusted to it or something i guess, so i cant lose anymore this way. so i MUST start some kind or diet and exercise regime. im going to byron bay in a couple of weeks and aim to at least get down to 57 by then... Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)